After many years of going to the gym four days a week I learnt something about myself. I’m not here to work out, I’m here to judge others to make myself feel better and god damn I’ve gotten good at it. So without further ado I bring you a few of the ‘colourful’ characters you’ll most likely encounter whilst busting out your pump sesh.
It’s best to start big, so we start with the meat mountain. He’s by far the largest man in the gym and you don’t want to look him in the eye. Sure he’s half-repping each exercise but in the end, would you rather be alive or feel slightly superior telling this man how to lift.
He’s there every time you are and doesn’t appear to leave at any point. There’s times where you’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time (45 minutes) at the gym and he’s still warming up to do his crazy four plate squat.
You’ve never seen him do anything but a bench press or bicep curl but god damn every part of this guy is huge and constantly covered in a sheen of sweat. Simply carrying around that amount of mass causes him to sweat at an abnormal level.
The recent Dad Bod craze didn’t come from nothing, and this guy is out to change it. The gym dad is the dad you never had. He’ll give you advice on how to lift, he’ll make crude jokes with you and he’ll tell off the bigger guys for sitting on the machine using their phones (th-thanks gym dad).
He has a well thought out plan and executes it with military precision (unless he decides to go on about the good ol’ days when men were men).
He’s surprisingly fit for his age, which is compounded by the dirty ciggy he lights up after leaving the gym, he seems to have it all. He’s also the loudest person at the gym, and is most likely to extend your already laborious 45 minutes of exercise into a whopping 1-hour session with the quality Yarn he brings.
No, not Body Builders, actual Builders. Their trademark look is to turn up in whatever Hi-vis they were wearing at work, thick woollen socks and their steel capped boots.
You’ll probably see Gazza and Muzzah walk around together, doing one of two things: The bench press, or some curling, never anything else. Despite travelling in pairs The Builders are generally men of few words, mainly constricted to “Oi”, “Spot us” or “Mate”. Due to their pairing nature, you’ll often find yourself waiting to use any set of weights or machine as they interchange with the occasional 1000 yard stare in between sets.
The Builders normally come in two sizes, extremely fit near upside-down triangles, or beer gutted and stubby wearing. The only thing these two body types will have in common is the extreme forearms that come with a physical daily job (god damn those forearms).
This guy doesn’t really work out, I don’t really know what he actually does at the gym. Every now and then he sits on a machine and does a couple of reps, followed by a break and iPhone session. The reality of it is, he has a pretty mean index finger which I’m sure I could not match.
Equally worked are this guys eyes, you’ll find no lack of judgement in them as they quickly dart across the room trying to find someone that happens to be slightly smaller than them. He’ll be quick to stare at them until they notice, at which point he’ll quickly look away and bust out a dirty poor formed bicep curl.
The Judger sports exactly what you think he would: a string singlet so thin that his nipples poke out of the sides, cut low enough so that you can see his slight gut he’s desperately trying to suck in, combined with dropcrotch track pants and a flat peak cap. He’s the embodiment of Gym Culture, he is what you think of when you think of a Gym Douche.
All these people have flaws, some more than others (I’m looking at you Judger). But you know what? At least they’re together, picking things up and putting them back down again.