Batman Vs. Superman was not a good film. Shut up. It wasn’t. No, Jewish lizard-men at Marvel did not sabotage this movie. The plot didn’t make any sense, Jesse Eisenberg was Cringe, Lex Luthor had no stated motivation, Plot-holes were everywhere. It was a mess.

Zack Snyder is best at adapting movies, Watchmen was good. So was 300, but when it comes to crafting his own stories, he shits the bed. He doesn’t unleash a hilarious, 200 horsepower torrent of shit like M. Night Shyamalan or Tommy Wiseau. His original scripts just dribble out onto the duvet. They’re a mild annoyance but they’re almost immediately forgotten and Batman Vs. Superman is no different, but the massive amount of marketing and hype from the title acted as a laxative. If Snyder just straight up re-did Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns, It’d be amazing and we’re save a lot on dry cleaning fees. I’m not sure where this metaphor is going so I’m just gonna start the bloody rewrite.

Alright. First off. A few edits and omissions. Wonder Woman is gone. She has no reason to be in this movie. All her scenes are boring and she sounds like she just came out of a five year coma. Second: Doomsday. No. Just no. Third. Replace Jesse Eisenberg with Bryan Cranston. The casting director was originally going to cast Walter White as Lex Luthor, but they didn’t out of fear of money and critical acclaim. Fourth. As cool as Jeremy Irons is, he looks like he’s only eight years older than Affleck in this movie. Replace him with Charles Dance, the dude who plays Tywin Lannister. Or Bill Nighy. Fuck Yeah. All the other casting choices are fine.

The start of the film is perfect. Superman and Zod are ruining everything. This is the best part of the movie as it sets up Brucey’s Motivation super well. (In fact, it’s the only part of the movie that set up a character’s motivation.) There’s only one edit, Bruce does not ring his employees and tell them to get out of the building. As powerful as Bruce is, he is not a fucking Cult Leader. His followers do not need express permission from him to escape disasters, Jesus. Wayne Corp employees are already filing out of the building. Bruce speeds to them in the biggest vehicle he has access to at the time and rushes to save them, but he’s too late and the building collapses. Blah blah, saves the kid, looks up at Superman cut to black blah blah, it’s fine.

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Cut to Six months or whatever later. News Reports. The city’s rebuilding. They built a monument to Superman, but it is constantly vandalised. Some people love Superman, others hate him for destroying the city.  There are anti-superman demonstrations everywhere. Iran, Russia and other ‘baddies’ see him as a crony for the US Government. Show an interview of Clark Kent debating an anti-supes protester about Superman and getting spit in the face. You rarely see Clark Kent doing his actual job. Cut to Lawrence Fishburne watching the interview with Clark Kent. He likes the piece, but, naturally, is highly critical of it. Clark tells Fishburne he wants to do a story on the return of ‘Batman’ to Gotham City. Fishburne says “Hell yeah!” and sends him out. We’re now in the middle east. Lois Lane and an unnamed cameraman who isn’t Jimmy Olsen are investigative journalisming in the middle east.

The insurgents they are researching think they are spies, so Lois presses her Superman Dog whistle. Superman’s ability to track anyone in the world opens up forty thousand plotholes, so let’s give his loved ones some Krytonian science plot device. Superman comes and ruins everyone’s day and causes an international incident. Cut to Bruce Wayne doing the cool spy stuff in the Batcave. Introduce Alfred and explain Batman’s five year hiatus. Bruce is investigating the superman incident in the desert and tracks some arms dealer attached to Lex Luthor blah blah whatever end scene.

MONTAGE TIME! Clark Kent interviews victims, police officers, anyone with information on the New Batman. Could even throw in a Villain cameo. He even interviews a conspiracy theorist who says Bruce Wayne is the Batman, but no-one believes them. Batman has become very brutal in his old age. Brandings. Crippling people. Generally being significantly more aggressive, but never to the point of murder. New Anti-Batman edicts are enacted that throw out many Batman-centric criminal cases due to Brutality. A street gang calling themselves ‘The Sons of Batman’, have started persecuting even the most minor criminals with deadly force. Clark is unsure what to think of Batman, so he decides to get interviews with two of the most powerful men in Metropolis and Gotham; Lex Luthor and Brucey.

During a party, Clark interviews Bruce about Batman, but later Lex Luthor comes in and adds his thoughts, but says he isn’t as bad as Batman. The three characters get in a conversation about Batman and Superman. Bruce and Lex agree that Superman’s a problem, but Lex is more fanatical, stating that he could turn into a threat to humanity at any minute. Clark gets a little too heated in the argument with Luthor, which makes him a bit suspicious. Bruce checks out and heads for the door, but sneaks into the mainframe and takes the hacking device he placed there before Clark arrived. Lex catches Bruce in the mainframe, but he plays ignorant and charms his way out of it.

Back at the Bruce-cave. Bruce finds that Lex is hoarding Kryptonian Knowledge and had discovered Superman’s weakness. Lex found some the Kryptonian version of the Rosetta stone from a scout ship in Roswell or the Arctic or the back of Kmart in Detroit. He knows Kryptonian now. The Ship doesn’t have goddamn language settings. Bruce finds messages from something between ‘Solaris’ and Lex Luthor, but he needs more clues to figure out what it means. Cut to Clark. He’s saving people looking kind of troubled. He’s thinking about what Lex and his critics have said. He starts harbouring bad feelings for the humans. Why should he bother saving them of they’re just going to hate him?

He’s finished his article and taken some time off to head back to Kansas. He researches the data-banks in his space pod that’s buried under the barn. Superman is coolest when he’s not just a flying saving man. He should be a part-time super scientist, like in All Star Superman. Ghost Russell Crowe tells him that the sun can increase his power, but he has to deal with the whole Icarus deal. Not too far. Not too close. His mother notices Clark’s depressed and listening to Avenged Sevenfold non-stop. She inspires him to be the best he can be for these people. She does NOT just say “Yeah, you know, you could save them, or like, don’t lol.”

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BAM BATMAN. Batman is stealthing like a madman in Lex’s tower. He’s taking guards out left and right. Doing his usual thing. He gets to the Kryptonite and OH SHIT. Lex is there, with tons of sentry guns pointed at Batman. IT WAS ME BRUCE. IT WAS ME. ALL ALOOONNNGGG. EVERYONE WAS FOOLED. Lex wanted Batman to break in. Lex knows Batman’s identity. He has a lot of proof. All immaculately APA referenced too. He’s gonna release the evidence to Daily Planet and all the top news outlets… unless he kills Superman. Lex has the evidence rigged to some techno magic that will release the evidence if Lex’s life signs cease. Conversely, all copies of the evidence will be vaporised if the unique energy signature generated by Superman ceases. Batman agrees. But we’re not sure if he’s entirely reluctant. Lex biffs him a sizable amount of Kryptonite.

Cut to the Daily Planet. Clark Kent has been back from his time for two weeks or so. It’s approaching evening. While working hard on his next story, he hears Batman’s voice. He explains he’s speaking in a frequency that only he can hear. Batman has kidnapped his mother and has crushed her Super-whistle. He will kill her unless Superman meets him in Gotham, in an abandoned industrial area. Dragonball Z Style. Lex Luthor used voice recordings from his conversation with Batman to replicate the sound of his voice modulator and posed as him. Batman stands on a roof, wearing his heaviest armour. Superman flies down and tries to speak with him, but is pelted by Kryptonite traps. Thinking that Batman cannot be reasoned with. Superman engages in battle.

This is where this shit gets sick. Most of the movie’s budget goes into this scene, because this is what everyone wants to see. The fight scene in the original were pretty good, but everything can be made better. Extend the length (but not so it gets boring, like the end of Revenge of the Sith). Get some Bat Gadgets in there. Bring it to the sky. Get some brutal ass hand to hand. Yeah booooyy! At the end of the fight. Superman realises that he’s fighting an uphill battle, especially with Batman’s Kryptonite fists. He flies high up in the air, into space, to get close as he can to the sun. Batman had anticipated this, he calls for the Batjet, hops in, and presses a few buttons. All the Bat Mobiles and Batbikes, BatBoats, BatYachts and other similar Bat Vehicles come rocketing out of the Batcave. All the Bat-vehicles join together in midair. A few seconds later, the pieces join together with the Batjet and become the Mecha-Batsuit, a ten metre tall Mobile Suit. Holy Shit.

Superman comes back, he’s got a Golden suit and he’s a lot more powerful and clever. The fight scene continues, mostly in the air. It’s sick as. It’s a close fight, but batman soon finds himself losing ground, but sees that Superman’s power-boost is wearing off. What’s he going to do? Suddenly, Larger vehicles in the Bat-Garage, such as the Bat-plane and the Bat-tanks rocket towards Batman. There’s a lot more stuff than last time. Even prototypes, obsolete models and bigger pieces of the Batcave are coming towards him. They form a larger suit, The Ultra-Mecha-Batsuit, and Batman climbs in.

So to be clear here, Batman is in the Anti-superman Batarmour, which inside the Batjet, which now a part of the Mecha-BatSuit which is now inside the 40 metre high Ultra-Mecha Batsuit. Batman kicks the living shit out of Superman with an array of weapons, rocket-piston punches and thrown buildings. Superman breaks off pieces of the mecha suit, but they are repaired quickly by nanobots. Superman gets pummeled into submission, but before Batman delivers the final blow, he notices that he sun has gone red.

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What’s up in the sky? Oh shit. It’s Solaris. THE LIVING SUN. It tells the earthlings that it will eat their Yellow Sun and that Solaris will rule them as a god. Batman rockets into the sky, but sees Lex Luthor is heading towards the sun in a similar, larger power-suit. Lex tells the story of the artificial sun, which was created by the Kryptonians, but became self-aware and insane in their long absence. It absorbed suns in nearby galaxies and became bigger and bigger, but found no purpose. It sent a highly advanced radio signal that could only be picked up by Kryptonian level technology. Lex intercepted the message, and pretended to worship it like a god. Lex lead the sun here with the sole purpose of destroying it when it arrived, but he knew that only Superman could defeat it, he had to defeat superman and then destroy Solaris so he’d be the hero of the world.

The Ultra-Mecha Batsuit could not withstand the temperatures of the living sun so it could not get close enough to destroy it. Lex and Batman fight. It’s pretty rad too, but shorter. We cut to Superman lying dying on the ground. He finds a sunflower nearby and absorbs its sun energy (shut up, it’s in Dark Knight Returns) and uses its power to unleash a massively powerful heat ray against Lex Luthor. It hits Lex in the back and blasts through his armour. The severely injured Lex ejects out of his suit and passes out. Batman grabs onto the suit as it plummets to the earth. The nanobots of the two suits interact and form an 100 metre Giga-Ultra-Mecha Batsuit with a massive kryptonite spear. Batman races towards Solaris, which is getting very close to the Real Sun. The pressure and heat of Solaris and the Sun combined because the new suit to ripple apart. Eventually Batman ejects into the Ultra Mecha Bat-suit. And charges on. As that suit rips apart, he ejects into the original Mecha Batsuit. He’s almost there but Ah! It’s too much! The batjet’s almost there with the spear!!! HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO INSPIRING!

Cut back to earth. The living sun has been destroyed. Superman passes out. His heart stops. The evidence Lex Luthor has on Bruce Wayne is now on fire. While in oblivion, his friends, family and Russell Crowe all egg him on to survive and protect us all blah blah I can’t be bother thinking up anything better, I’ve lost interest at this point to be honest. Superman wakes up and saves the Batjet as he plummets to Earth. Lex Luthor was arrested but went super crazy and no-one believes him about Bruce Wayne. Everyone goes to spring break.

This movie has everything, Social Commentary, Action, Giant Robots, A Functioning Plot, Violence. I’m looking forward to release of the director’s cut of Batman vs. Superman. I’m sure it’ll turn a weak three into a solid eight. In the meantime, feel free to shower me with BAFTA awards and money.

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